Ill-Informed Gadfly

E!’s “Live from the Red Carpet” kills fewer brain cells than the Barbara Walters special. But it will never be the same without Joan Rivers. How is Seacrest an upgrade? He’s just as unprofessional, but he’s not at all funny, he can’t handle unscripted behavior at all (Gary Busey RUINED him) and he wants everyone to like him. Rivers, meanwhile, is an original and a national treasure. She has no idea who she’s talking to, she hasn’t seen the movies, and she can riff on Hollywood plasticity.

Then again, Regis has no idea what he’s talking about either. To Laura Linney: “You played the sister of the Seymour Hoffman.”

My friend Rob Scheer is here; he spends a lot more time thinking about, writing about and handicapping the Oscars than I do. Of Renee Zellweger, he says: “She looks like David Bowie!”

Daniel Day-Lewis interior monologue: “I hate this. I don’t want to be here. I’m an artist. I want to go back to Italy and make more shoes. I’m trying to pretend like I’m having fun.”

Regis: “You can see most of the stars are sitting in the front rows.” Yeah, that’s a new thing for the 2008 Oscars; usually they’re in the balcony and ride a zipline to the podium. “There’s Xavier Bardem.” Awesome! Why doesn’t he host?

Well, Stewart’s not knocking it out of the park, but at least he’s not hosting an Ellen-style love-in. Oh, wait, never mind. “I respect you guys so much! I can’t act!”

“‘Atonement’: A movie that captures the excitement and raw sexuality of Yom Kippur.” Hee.

Does the IRS know Wesley Snipes is in attendance?

“Gaydolf Titler.” Hee.

Setting the tone, “Elizabeth: The Golden Age” wins for best costumes, when it really should win for having the most costumes. Later, Daniel Day-Lewis will win for the most acting. Maybe Marion Cotillard too?

Clooney introduces Montage No. 1 out of 217. The clip of Cary Grant getting his honorary Oscar is my favorite. He was moving in half a second of screen time, because he was the best there ever was.

Rob: “I hate Kevin Spacey.” Me: “We all do.”

I hate the “wrap it up” cue because I am Brad Bird and I am a genius and in all my movies I tell you what a genius I am!

Best makeup: Yawn. The momentum is dead already! They used to dangle a carrot with an early Supporting award, but no more.

“I am French! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent?” Marion Cotillard is lobbying for an Oscar with her closeup during the show!

The song is nothing special, but Amy Adams is great. She’s lit from within.

“The Golden Compass” wins for visual effects? Tee-hee-hee-hee-hee! Everyone agreed the effects in that movie were terrible! Does this mean the crappy sequel will get greenlit?

A new wrinkle this year: They play you off the stage with the music from your own movie.

Congrats, “Har-vier.” I preferred Hal Holbrook or Casey Affleck, but whatev.

Few know that Owen Wilson tried to commit suicide by breaking his own nose.

Animated short film winners: I can’t even be bothered to make fun of these people.

Ruby Dee: Oooh, I wonder what scene they’re going to show? Maybe her only scene in the movie!

“He has the same shaped head and, it has to be said, the buttocks.” Excelsior! And then she mentions the batsuit with the nipples! Tilda Swinton steals the show. Nothing else that happens tonight will top that speech. Astonishing. She was obviously shocked to win (even though I predicted it — why didn’t she ask me?), but she pulled herself together for a speech that was simultaneously witty, surprising and gracious. I know the Academy has a boner for Brits, but they do tend to give better speeches; I think it’s simply because their education system emphasizes public speaking.

Um, confirming everything I just said: Jessica Alba, who sounds like she’s never said any of these words before in her life.

Prickly Paul Thomas Anderson refuses to stage a fakey shot of him “working.”

The president of the Academy usually bores us later in the evening. Wait: It’s almost 10 and we’re, what, 10 awards into this thing? Help me Jeebus.

I was mixing another daiquiri during the song from “Enchanted”: a wise decision, methinks. Just a reminder: Eddie Vedder, not nominated.

Rob is upset that “No Country for Old Men” didn’t win for sound editing. Imagine what life would be like if you cared about shit like that!

“Transformers” was nominated for 32 Oscars! It must be good!

Rob continues to steam, as “The Bourne Ultimatum” takes another sound award. Again, my point is proven true: It didn’t have better sound than “No Country for Old Men”; it just had more.

Cate Blanchett is embarrassed by her own performance! Maybe she didn’t see the movie; I wish I hadn’t.

French ingenue beats crusty old bag: It’s 1996 all over again! (Juliette Binoche upsetting Lauren Bacall.) Julie Christie didn’t care whether she won, and Marion Cotillard cared deeply, and that mattered. I really like Cotillard, but go ahead: try to watch “La Vie en Rose.” If you get through it I’ll send you a cookie!

How bout this: a real song (”Falling Slowly”). Think this one will win?

Here they are, the 79 Best Picture winners. About 45 of them don’t suck!

“Midnight Cowboy”: The gay cowboy movie that did win the Oscar.

“Bourne” editor says: Nepotism worked for me! He did a lot of editing for that movie. One might even say he did the most editing of all the nominees. I detect a trend.

Interior monologue of 98-year-old honorary Oscar winner Robert Boyle as he is escorted to the podium by two hotties: “If my penis hadn’t fallen off in ‘92, I’d be really happy right now!” By the way, when Nicole Kidman’s 98, she’ll look exactly the same.

I do believe Cormac McCarthy was nodding off during Boyle’s speech.

I have a scheme. I’m gonna snag some investors, go to Bavaria, make a movie about the Holocaust and win me an Oscar!

Journeyman Irish rocker and his jailbait Czech girlfriend take it home! Hooray for a song with actual feeling! Marketa gets cut off because they’re afraid no one will understand her.

Well, Jon Stewart plays the nice-guy card by bringing Marketa back out to give her speech, and how bout this: She has a Czech-Irish accent! Cute.

Dead people montage! Stars pretend to mourn their departed colleagues, then take an upper during the commercial break. Heath Ledger runs the anchor leg. Fade to black.

Tom Hanks is fug. Look at those bags under his eyes! I could carry groceries in those. Did anyone see the photo of the real Charlie Wilson? Tom Hanks wouldn’t get Charlie Wilson’s wingman’s rejects. (OK, I’m getting punchy-drunky now.)

Tarzana, queen of the ironic jungle, wins the Oscar for best original screenplay. “This is for the writers.” One day she might be one. (Unlikely.)

“I’ve been thinking a lot about fathers and sons.” Wisdom from the oracle of Day-Lewis. He crafted a moving tribute to Heath Ledger with his SAG speech. The follow-up was limp.

Best Director montage. And the Oscar goes to: Alfred Hitchcock! Robert Altman! Wait — never mind. But Robert Redford won! Aaaarrggghh.

I like Scott Rudin, but “a complete surprise”? No. False humility does not become you.

G’night, everyone! No pointless trailers for the Best Picture winners, no interpretive dance, a generally smooth and confident job by Stewart — was I actually entertained? Well, the daiquiris might have had something to do with it.